Play On Words : Golf Edition

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Bobby Jones once said that, "golf is a game that is played on a five-inch course - the distance between your ears," and while that is very true, it's another area of the body that landed an entire Lutheran college golf team in serious trouble.
The Bethany College men's golf team took a page out of Golf Digest's spread of the 2004 UCLA team and posed in the buff for an unofficial team photo (above), with just golf clubs covering their man parts, and it didn't sit well with the team's coach, who also happens to be the religious school's athletic director.
Jon Daniels suspended every player on the Fighting Swedes for three tournaments because of the photo he called, "a case of young people who just don't think beyond the moment and don't realize who they're hurting."
[. . . ] And how did the photo get leaked in the first place? Facebook, of all places, by one of the players in the picture.
Team captain Jack Hiscock told KAKE news that the team is appealing the suspension, and mentioned that the photos were just meant to be fun.
"It was only intended as a bit of fun with the lads," said Hiscock who is from England. "We all have our shirts off, our shorts to ankles and we are holding golf clubs in front covering up our um, male parts."
Team captain, Jack Hiscock? Is this real life? Even Mike Hunt, Dick Trickle, and Dick Butkus think that's embarrassing. Nothing like leaking homoerotic pics of you and the bros at golf/church camp to reveal to the world your unfortunate circumstance in the name department. Those parents must have some sense of humor. I wouldn't name my son Jack for the simple fact that someone could call him Jack off, and my last name isn't even Hiscock. Only worse possible name choice would be if this dude was Asian and his parents named him Suk.

Crap Circles

Anybody seen the movie "Signs?" The one by the crazy bastard. You know, Mel Gibson. Yes, when he wasn't verbally destroying his wife and family members, he was making movies. To make a long story short, his two dumbass kids make hats out of aluminum foil to "protect" their thoughts, aliens show up to take over the world, and a retired minor league baseball player stops it from happening by hitting an alien with a bat. Anyways, throughout the film there are mysterious crop circles that appear in a farmer's field.

Well, I've got something that trumps this modern day classic horror film, but it's produced by someone with much higher morals and sense of respect than Mel Gibson-my dog. Bowser, by name, is a complete ladies man. If a woman walks in the door, he's all over them like my pedophile roommate that works at Abercrombie Kids is on a middle school girl. But, like any member of my family, Bowser has his issues with bowel movements; sometimes he can't hold them.

Just recently, he created the most amazing bowel movement I've ever seen. I call it-"Crap Circles."

Enough is Enough "In-the-Out-Door Guy"

When I'm at the ol' ball park and I have had about 150 ounces of adult beverages, I could pee my pants at any given moment. Holding your piss during the late innings of a close game is the most painful, frustrating feeling ever. The only other event /venue that it's nearly this bad is a concert at DTE. Most times at DTE I can at least sneak a piss into my empty beer cup while I'm still enjoying the tunes on the lawn. Not so simple at Comerica Park. The pissing situation on the main concourse is atrocious. Despite the 10 bathrooms meant to accommodate the 20,000 fans in the lower level, I know standing in line is a part of the not-pissing-my-pants game. I get to the back of the line after an unsuccessful attempt at a chat and cut. I stare at the exit just contemplating my go-to move at Joe Louis. If I don't go in-the-out-door, I will piss myself. 7 beers in 2 hours is a great idea until you're standing in line to piss. CoPa is filled with kids that could piss themselves at any given second, so I punish myself by waiting. Going in-the-out door at JLA is acceptable because you're forced to piss in the trough. It's not 100 people fighting over 14 pissers.
As soon as I'm on deck, a stream of middle aged assholes flood in the exit. Aw naw, hell naw. I cut one of them off on his way to the urinal. It gets the attention of all the in-the-out door guys. I go off on a Labatt's fueled diatribe about how in-the-out door is unacceptable at CoPa. These are probably the same guys that catch a foul ball and don't give it to the nearest child. My friends grab the open piss spots as I fuck these guys up with some truth. As I leave the restroom, the group of guys are huddled around the same exit they used to enter. They complain to their wives about getting bitched out. The wives point out that the door clearly says "Exit" and that if they tried this horse shit in the ladies room, they would leave cat-scratched up with a full bladder.
Moral of the story: In-the-out door at Joe Louis, acceptable; at Comerica Park, unacceptable.

Eat Your Heart Out William Hung...

VS.

Yikes....

Hoyas Start WWIII

From Yahoo Sports:

Georgetown had to leave the court during the fourth quarter of its exhibition game against the Baiyi Rockets on Thursday night in Beijing after both benches emptied and a wild brawl erupted between the two teams. None of the Hoyas were seriously injured despite trading punches with the opposing players and having to dodge chairs thrown onto the court and water bottles hurled from the stands.

The best account of what led to the melee comes from the Washington Post's Gene Wang, apparently the lone U.S. reporter in attendance.

Wang wrote that the game was tense from the outset and had to be stopped earlier after two players exchanged words. At one point, a Rockets player even berated John Thompson III as the Georgetown coach yelled instructions to his players.

The hard fouls and constant bickering eventually devolved into bedlam when Bayi big man Hu Ke was called for a foul against Georgetown guard Jason Clark. The senior made it clear he did not appreciate the hard foul, sparking the initial exchange of shoves that led players from both benches to run onto the court in defense of their teammates.

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This is how it allll starts. All it takes is that first incident to start an international conflict between the worlds two biggest superpowers. China already owns all our money, and they might take this shit personal. Especially with VP Biden being in town, shit could look premeditated. Shit looked pretty intense, like Hoyas got handled for the most part...

And what an image; this trainer just stomping out a black dude twice his size! Just goes to show ya; in a world of haymakers, your best first move is the unexpected ones...

The New Planking?

Over the weekend, I went camping with MCast2014 and his fiance, which happens to be Snake's sister. This "quiet camping trip" quickly turned into a man weekend. Accompanied by Snake's parents, the five of us set up shop just north of Muskegon. The weekend was filled with the typical necessities of a camping trip: bonfires, beer, cigars, and farting. And it quite possibly discovered the new version of "planking."

Last semester, in a physiology lab course, my brother uncovered a bittersweet fact; his metabolism is 55% faster than an average metabolism. The best part of that is metabolic rates are genetic, meaning mine is very similar. To most people, this could prove fatal. I can just imagine the businessman sitting in the middle of an important meeting, shitting his pants while regretting having lunch at Taco Bell. For my brother an I, it's a gift from God. We are told to exploit our strengths; I think we do a great job of doing that.

Sitting around the fire, I couldn't help but think of the scene from Nutty Professor when all the fatasses are blowing holes in their underwear. And the part when the grandma says, "Don't let the gray hair fool ya, I ain't no easy win nigga." But that's besides the point. We formed our own rendition of this scene with a multitude of farts-some loud and rumbly, some high pitched, some silent, and some petite (for the ladies of course).

To end the weekend the right way, Snake's sister and I made a friendly trade, which left me with the overwhelmingly awesome opportunity to lay a fat fart right in her face. Ironically, we had tacos for dinner that night. About fifteen minutes after dinner, I stood up and let the group know that this was it; the moment was here. I'll let you watch the rest for yourself...

Beans, beans, the magical fruit, the more you eat, the more you...lay beef stew on your soon-to-be-sister-in-law's forehead.

Louie C.K., Genius

This dude's show continues to impress and I cannot get over the satisfaction it brings to my life.

He continually says everything that is on my mind that I never even think of saying. Every week brings so much joy in form of television it's ridiculous.

If you have never seen his show, Louie, please do yourself a favor and tune into FX on Thursday nights.

The picture shown displays some dialogue between Louie and a girl who is head of a group who is against masturbation on a news show.

Later in the episode he hangs out with her, only to expose how fucked up she is (presumably why she has this title).

Again, watch the show, it's gold. That is all. Thank you, Louie.


FX Networks - Louie - Full Episodes and Exclusive Video

MdotNetz - 1 George Lopez - 0

LOS ANGELES (AP) - George Lopez, who surrendered his TBS time slot to Conan O'Brien and then saw ratings for "Lopez Tonight" slide, got a cancelation notice Wednesday.

Lopez's Thursday show at midnight will be the final one, the cable network said in a statement.

"TBS has reached the difficult decision not to order a third season of 'Lopez Tonight,'" the network said, adding that it was proud to have worked with the "immensely talented comedian and entertainer."

TBS declined further comment. The decision was based not only on ratings but also the cost of the show, according to a person familiar with the production, who spoke on condition of anonymity because TBS hadn't authorized public comment.

Victory is mine. I made a promise to myself that I would never stoop so low as to watch a second of this show. I have met my goal. I literally have only seen this show through my peripheral vision while I had one eye shut with a finger in one ear saying "lalalalalalalalala" to myself until I could change the channel. And even that was too much. God forbid I left TBS on after my daily dose of Sienfeld at 7 and didn't come back to the TV until late night.

Such an ordeal. If it were up to me TBS would follow suit and get rid of Tyler Perry's gang of dog shit programming. Obvious stereotypes aren't funny and certainly are not grounds for late night shows or sitcoms. We get it guys you're proud minorities. Too bad you don't have enough pride to be good at what you do.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

"If you're wondering where the WNBA playoffs are, they will be immediately following the Little League World Series." Boom! First day of the LLWS and they are already taking precedent and showing those dykes who's boss.

With all the anticipation of the NFL and College football seasons starting, and the MLB playoffs looming, there is no better appetizer to our main dish. The Little League World Series is back in action. These little guys go out there night after night in the dog days of summer and play their asses off. There's nothing like it. They laugh, they scream and most importantly, they cry. It's so genuine that I think watching them cry is my favorite part. Not in some sadistic way.

When these kids cry you know it's legit. It's not how South Park depicts it, with kids intentionally throwing games so they don't have to play anymore and dads drunkenly wresting around in the outfield. Although, the latter would probably make the Series that much more enjoyable.



And we can't forget Detroit's own real life Randy Marsh from back in 2009 at the Tigers vs. Royals game.



These kids are sincere in their ball-playing. It's all they have. They are barely interested in girls at this point so there's no distractions and they put all their emotion into every at bat.
So now is your chance, Coalition faithful. Pick your winner of the LLWS in the comment section. First one to choose the winner of the whole shebang gets an official DTownBroCo t-shirt of your choosing fo' free. I'm calling the team from Alabama, and I'll take a size large because these boys are goin' to the dance.

Awww Penis!

I just got home from buying a buck 30 in booze for my houseboat getaway this weekend and this is what I happen to come across. I didn't even catch whose on the bump but whoever it was aint happy about the sac bunt. I think given the proper context, "aww penis" could be my new go-to line.

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Diarrhea Dance

When I think of the Japanese, I think of slanty-eyed, dog loving, little people who can't drive a car to save their life. They can perform any equation known to mankind and I now know they have some killer dance moves worth breaking out the next time you find yourself at a club. I'm still scratching my head over this one...

Fister/Furbush...nuff said

I'm not overly excited by this trade as much as I am by how fun this is to say. Fist her fur bush has got to be one of the funniest sounding trades I've ever heard. All over the radio today it was reffered to as the "Fister/Furbush Deal." I LQTM every time I heard it! I mean, as a true Tigs fan I'm excited we got a starter and didn't pay an outlandish price for him. Guy's stuff isn't bad but that's about as deep as I'll get (pun intended). This did, however, get me to thinking of some other trades in sports that have had some pretty awesome names:

1. Fister/Furbush- Just can't help but smile at this one

2. Jackson, Coke for Granderson - It's like Granderson's an alcoholic... Jacks n' coke for all!

And, well thats about as far as my recent memory will go, but I'm sure there's more I just cant bring into my brain at the moment. Got any good ones? Fuckin share em!

But hey on a higher note from the weekend (since you won't get a plethora of blogs today due to the string of events leading up to Monday: a Wildcats hockey brawl, 2 nights in a the Sterlingfest beer tent, 10,000 CC's pumped through an IV into yours truly, and running the Warrior Dash moderately hungover) you guys see my boy Guillen clown Weaver?

..Not at the table Carlos....

Wake Boarding Woes

Living on Lake Templene in Sturgis, MI (the Mexican capital of the United States), I have recently taken up the watersport wake boarding. For those of you that aren't familiar-it's basically snowboarding but on water. Since I'm not a snowboarder, it's taken a while to get the hang of things. But I'm not one to take things slowly; when I think I want to try something, I'm going all out-no half-ass. In many areas of my life this strategy deems successful, but in wake boarding...well, I'll let the pictures do the talking.

Day 1-I got up easily (no Viagra necessary), and started exploring the wake, moving from one side to the other. My friend, being the motivator he is, kindly challenged me to try jumping the wake ("Come on, pussy!"). That was enough of a dare for me. I glided out to the right side of the wake, and then tried to jump it when I came back in. According to my buddies, I got an inch of air before wiping out, but it felt like a foot to me. We came up with the theory-one inch of air feels like one foot to the rider, two inches feels like two feet, etc.

Day 2-Day 2 was a big one for me. I started progressing rather quickly with my bravery and my ability. With ability comes air and fun; with bravery comes either gaining of ability or painful wipeouts. Today, I leaned more towards the painful wipeouts side of the spectrum. After hitting a few jumps and getting actually a couple feet of air each time, I quickly gained bravery. I was hooting and hollering like a little schoolgirl on Christmas morning. So, I went back out to the right side of that wake and I was going to attempt a flip. As I came back, approaching the wake, I bent my knees and pushed off of that muddy, weedy lake water and launched into the air (a whopping 3 or4 feet). Since I had no experience doing any type of flip or trick on a board, let alone my own feet, I didn't know what to do once I was in the air. Take a look for yourself at what came of my idiotic (but awesome) bravery:

As you can see, the flip quickly turned into me being parallel with the water, face down of course. It is obvious that I immediately realized I would not be landing this "flip," as I let go of the rope in the first picture.

Note to self: don't attempt to brace fall with hands. I must have forgotten the physical characteristics of water; it is easily penetrable.

Note to self: bracing fall with face isn't much better. This wipe out happened this past Saturday, and I still have a stiff neck (I thought I said above I didn't need Viagra?).

Laugh all you want-this was very painful. Now, I get to challenge all you pussies to go do the same thing!

Pet Peeves of the Month : Duck faces and Facebook Corrector Guy

Duck faces are running rampant. This has to stop. It's one thing to make a goofball face in a picture, but trying to look hot by duck-facing is a turn off. You look like you ran into a wall. The thing is, girls are doing this on the reg, without being conscious of it. It has become a standard. Men everywhere are revolted by this trend, so stop smelling your upper lip, and just stand there and look pretty.
And you, Facebook corrector guy, keep your critiques to yourself and get back to your message board argument that you have devoted your entire week to. When I'm hungover and commenting on a friend's post, I don't need my shit proofread. If I really wanted to, I could've rebuddled your criticism with shots at your inexplicable misuse of elementary school grammar and unfortunate misspelling. Especially coming from a random I don't know. Believe me, I'm petty enough to go right down the line and think to myself "it's then not than, you're not your", and "your run on sentences are making me think you didn't graduate from high school". I do, however, restrain myself and carry on living my life, knowing that no one cares what I have to say. Except for you lovely DTBC followers of course.

They call him "two face Scherzer"

How I've never noticed this before is beyond me, but the difference in eye colors is unsettling. If you cover part of his face with your hand he looks like two different people. One side looks like Bradley Cooper and the other looks like Woody Harrelson. The brown-eyed side makes him look slightly fatter. So weird/gross, but I can't look away. Does this guy just pull mad pussy from this or what? Not only is he a big league pitcher, but women probably can't look away from his eyes. By the time they notice his eyes aren't novelty contacts, he's already put the spell on them and it's go time. Also shouldn't Scherzer be slightly better since he has the ability to use his goggly-eyed wizardry against batters? Meh, just chalk this one up as one of my hungover ramblings. #horrible blogging

Woman Sues City Over Firefighter Test

Can you believe this bullshit? I mean lifting another person, dragging a fire hose and charging up 30 floors in full firefighters gear?

Get real, like that type of physical strength would ever be needed in the work place. It's obvious that being 5'1" and a buck twenty would have zero impact on your ability to fulfill the duties of a firefighter.

This reminds me of the time Chicago Memorial declined my application as a neurosurgeon, which was clearly a case of discrimination against those of us who can't cut brains good!

F U July!!!!

100 degree days don't phase me.  I get 360 degrees or more on the reg...with a grab and a grind.

May is OK, June is a little worse, July and August make me want to vomit blood until I keel over and die. After that, life is pretty good.  This summer has been typical with lots of laying by water...and lots of swinging racquets and clubs.  I actually love all these things, minus the fact that I fucking suck at tennis and golf and I'm forced out into the 100 degree weather, but its like the first girl you fall in love with.  Shes your true love.  She always will be.  Shes your lobster (Friends reference).  Well I cant get over my ex.  I love her too much.  Shes not cheating on me, and she hasn't left me, but lately I have just been getting the feeling that she doesn't like me as much as she once did. But the process of winning her back starts right now.

Of course who/what I am talking about is snowboarding.  I can't wait.  This weather blows.  Bring me fall and then pow and I'll ride for 30 days in a row.

B.Inge Doesn't Like the Boos

"Batman" Brandon, as I like to call him, was all over the radio today, talking about how he thinks he doesn't deserve to get booed. Now, I apologize that I put only a 15% effort into finding this audio clip or the exact quote, but trust me he said it. Something along the lines of true fans wouldn't boo him because he's not doing good. Brandon, my boy, I would love if I could say you just "weren't doing good," but your stats are dismal at best. You're spotting numbers that even Jerald Laird would laugh at(*Raburn snickers in the background*). 180 average with 1 HR (not to mention you were invited to the derby a few years back). And that's only on the offensive end. Usually your defense makes up for the sub-par average you've traditionally posted, but this is absurd. As a true fan, I boo you because, heaven forbid, I expect better out of you! You've had 2 hits this month. TWO! If you don't like the boos you can do one of two things: A.) rupture your eardrums or 2.) admit you're a resident of Strugglesville and try to do better. That's all we ask of you. That and you bring back the Souul Patch. Shit was the Fire!

Hello Becker, Goodbye Pecker

A recent story out of the beautiful Garden Grove, California, has forced many men (and Lady Gaga) to grab their private parts in sympathetic pain. Catherine Becker and her husband were in the midst of a divorce, but still living together. Apparently she was not happy with the way things were going, so she did what any woman would do: she cut off his baby maker.

Why didn't he fight her off? This is clearly one of the two times domestic violence is acceptable (the other time is when a woman changes the channel in the last two minutes of any sporting event). Well, to defend his manhood, she drugged him via the man's greatest weakness: food. He then complained of feeling sick just before losing consciousness. Becker tied his arms and legs to the bed and then this sick biatch waited for him to wake up before she cut off his member with a 10-inch knife. She could have at least done him the common courtesy of doing it while he was unconscious. But, then again, what a wake up call that would be.

As you can clearly see, this poor man's life was plummeting downhill quickly. His last glimmer of hope was probably at least to take his willy to the ER and possibly have it reconnected. Becker quickly slammed that door of hope shut when she threw it down a sink garbage disposal, allowing her husband to hear it being chopped into a million pieces.

There are two morals to this story:

1) Women-I don't care what your man has done to you. If you want to get back at him, I would recommend no beer and ESPN for a month. YOU might even regret cutting off his penis later down the road.

2) The border patrol between the U.S. and Mexico clearly isn't aggressive enough.

This man will still be able to urinate and have sexual relations properly after reconstructive surgery is conducted. One thing I do know, his almost ex-wife definitely isn't getting any from him anytime soon.

Welcome Freshmen!

As you've probably noticed by now, we have some new contributors to the Coalition. Treat them with as much respect as you treat the rest of us; very little. As an arrogant frat boy, I can't, in good conscious, deem noobs worthy of the Coalition without some good old fashioned hazing. Don't worry guys, I won't make you do gay shit or get naked. Mainly because I'm a grade A homophobe, but also, why would you want to be a part of something that treated you like shit?



Things I will make you do:

- Take peyote and volunteer at a parking lot carnival.

- Eat hundreds of packages of butter

- Listen to only the chorus of "Bananas" by Gwen Stefani on repeat for hours on end

- Memorize the first ever DTBC post in its entirety

- Write a DTBC song

- Get in a Velcro suit and let us toss you up against a Velcro wall

- Super glue your hand to your head to star in the upcoming DTBC-produced super glue commercial(coming soon)

- Make a lemonade stand and sell Nutcracker (urban dictionary: nutcracker) instead of lemonade. Proceeds go directly to the following weekend's bar tab for your's truly.

Either all of those things or we'll just get you both super drunk, take your phones, and make you find your way back to my house from Royal Oak...I haven't decided yet. Just get your pillow case & tie blindfold ready and I'll be over shortly.
Glad to have yous guys aboard.