Play On Words : Golf Edition

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Bobby Jones once said that, "golf is a game that is played on a five-inch course - the distance between your ears," and while that is very true, it's another area of the body that landed an entire Lutheran college golf team in serious trouble.
The Bethany College men's golf team took a page out of Golf Digest's spread of the 2004 UCLA team and posed in the buff for an unofficial team photo (above), with just golf clubs covering their man parts, and it didn't sit well with the team's coach, who also happens to be the religious school's athletic director.
Jon Daniels suspended every player on the Fighting Swedes for three tournaments because of the photo he called, "a case of young people who just don't think beyond the moment and don't realize who they're hurting."
[. . . ] And how did the photo get leaked in the first place? Facebook, of all places, by one of the players in the picture.
Team captain Jack Hiscock told KAKE news that the team is appealing the suspension, and mentioned that the photos were just meant to be fun.
"It was only intended as a bit of fun with the lads," said Hiscock who is from England. "We all have our shirts off, our shorts to ankles and we are holding golf clubs in front covering up our um, male parts."
Team captain, Jack Hiscock? Is this real life? Even Mike Hunt, Dick Trickle, and Dick Butkus think that's embarrassing. Nothing like leaking homoerotic pics of you and the bros at golf/church camp to reveal to the world your unfortunate circumstance in the name department. Those parents must have some sense of humor. I wouldn't name my son Jack for the simple fact that someone could call him Jack off, and my last name isn't even Hiscock. Only worse possible name choice would be if this dude was Asian and his parents named him Suk.

My Name Is Jacob and I am an Addict

WARNING!  WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ MAY BE UPSETTING.  THE SUBJECT MATTER IS INTENDED FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY AND WILL EXPOSE THE VIEWERS TO THE PAINFUL REALITIES OF ADDICTION.  PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

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As a member of the addictive personalities club, I'm here to say that it really doesnt make things easy.  Albeit fantasy sports, skateboarding, snowboarding, lifting, tennis, chess, poker, centsports.com, you name it.  Really if there is any sort of competition involved against an opponent or against myself, I have at one point been addicted to it.

This post is not going to dwell on the past, though.  Let bygones be bygones and most all of those addictions are long since gone.

However, the new kid on the block has been and will continue to be the worst of them all.

GOLF!  This son of a bitch has got me by the balls.  I have always had clubs and hacked away year in and year out.  Until this past year I would play something like 5-8 rounds a summer and be completley content.  I would slice the ball the first 4 holes and draw it the next 4...then on hole 9 save par (or if im lucky birdie) and that one little par would make up for the first 8 holes. I was happy and the game was fun.

Well I dont know what changed.  Your guess is as good as mine, but round about May I decided to give this a go.  I wanted to be a single digit handicap and I was determined to do it by July.  Why not?  Every other sport I have dedicated even the smallest amount of effort to, I have excelled at....and in some cases excelled greatly.  I figured how could this be any different?  Ill play a few rounds, correct my swing, start practicing putting, and in no time that 1 par/birdie per 9 will turn into 7 (wrong).

So I did.  Full steam ahead.  I started hitting balls every single day.  I would scour the internet and watch every single tutorial I could find.  I would ask my peers who are much better than myself so many questions I would drive them away.  I bought the gear.  I looked the part. I acted the part.  I started seeing a swing coach.  You name it, I did it. I'm doing it.  Present tense.

So lets skip all the nonsense and answer the question: Where are you with your progress today?

Ill tell you where I'm at.  Not a single inch closer than when I started.  In the last 14 days I have probably played 12 rounds of 18 holes.  In the last 2 days I have played 48 holes of golf.

Yesterday, with Mdot, I probably had one of the worst days I have had all summer.  Just double triple double double.  2 pars the entire round.  0 birdies.  On one par 5 I smoked my 6 iron to 6 feet to set up an eagle putt.  Of course I 3 putted.  He was doing the same thing, but he's not emotionally invested like I am.  While I was throwing tantrums and coming close to wrapping my gap wedge around the trunk of the tree, he was happy that he had a 4 foot birdie putt.  When he missed it, it didnt matter.  He had a birdie putt and that was good.  God I miss the good ol days.

The moral of my story is this.  If you have not yet decided to care about your golf game, do anything and everything in your power to keep it that way.  If you do, trust me, you are taking a journey and giving into the dark side.  No amount of athleticism is going to help you.  No amount of concentration.  The game will break you in half as it has broken me.

One of the worst parts is, the better you get..the smaller your margin of error is.  So as my score grows smaller the probability of massive frusteration grows larger.  Right?  Yesterday I self destructed emotionally because I wouldn't have been able to hit a fairway if I had a loaded .45 to my head and my life depended on it.  But is it really going to be all that different when I'm going for greens instead of fairways?  Now I chase pars, but down the road I will chase birdies...and miss them.  No matter how good I get, I will still miss greens.  Or putts.  Where is the reward in this sport?  What seemed like a 2 or 3 month venture....now seems like it will take me 5 years.  I can't quit.  I am a full blown addict and every day I have to get my fix.

Who am I kidding?  I love this game.  I'm going to the range at Blackheath right now.

Prove It: Scottie vs. The Golf Monster

In another birthday celebration last night that involved me drinking way more than I intended to, and narrowly escaping a trip to jail for urinating in public, I came across our second installment of the "Prove It" saga. At one paint in the night (pretty early actually, round 9:30 or 10) we were discussing our golf games as any typical group of Bros would. Talking about our slices and how shitty our approach games are, and how some puts are near impossible (except me, for I am a phenomenal putter). Scotty "the Body" Ty chimes in, and I quote : "I can drive the ball 400 yards!" Like, that was ver batum how he said it. And we had already moved past that point in the conversation and moved on to chipping/putting.

So now the fun part comes. I bet Scotty $20 that he couldn't drive the ball 400 yards, and told him he can use any combination of club and ball he wants. I would've bet more but in these trying times I know the value of my minuscule salary. I am so sure that Scotty can't "Prove It" it's not even fair. I'd say the over/under is 325; and that's very generous only because I'm giving him the shadow of a doubt that he wouldn't say that unless he could really bomb it. So step up to the plate Scotty. "Prove It" parts I & II fall solely upon your shoulders. Don't let The Coalition down Scotty...