My Name Is Jacob and I am an Addict

WARNING!  WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ MAY BE UPSETTING.  THE SUBJECT MATTER IS INTENDED FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY AND WILL EXPOSE THE VIEWERS TO THE PAINFUL REALITIES OF ADDICTION.  PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

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As a member of the addictive personalities club, I'm here to say that it really doesnt make things easy.  Albeit fantasy sports, skateboarding, snowboarding, lifting, tennis, chess, poker, centsports.com, you name it.  Really if there is any sort of competition involved against an opponent or against myself, I have at one point been addicted to it.

This post is not going to dwell on the past, though.  Let bygones be bygones and most all of those addictions are long since gone.

However, the new kid on the block has been and will continue to be the worst of them all.

GOLF!  This son of a bitch has got me by the balls.  I have always had clubs and hacked away year in and year out.  Until this past year I would play something like 5-8 rounds a summer and be completley content.  I would slice the ball the first 4 holes and draw it the next 4...then on hole 9 save par (or if im lucky birdie) and that one little par would make up for the first 8 holes. I was happy and the game was fun.

Well I dont know what changed.  Your guess is as good as mine, but round about May I decided to give this a go.  I wanted to be a single digit handicap and I was determined to do it by July.  Why not?  Every other sport I have dedicated even the smallest amount of effort to, I have excelled at....and in some cases excelled greatly.  I figured how could this be any different?  Ill play a few rounds, correct my swing, start practicing putting, and in no time that 1 par/birdie per 9 will turn into 7 (wrong).

So I did.  Full steam ahead.  I started hitting balls every single day.  I would scour the internet and watch every single tutorial I could find.  I would ask my peers who are much better than myself so many questions I would drive them away.  I bought the gear.  I looked the part. I acted the part.  I started seeing a swing coach.  You name it, I did it. I'm doing it.  Present tense.

So lets skip all the nonsense and answer the question: Where are you with your progress today?

Ill tell you where I'm at.  Not a single inch closer than when I started.  In the last 14 days I have probably played 12 rounds of 18 holes.  In the last 2 days I have played 48 holes of golf.

Yesterday, with Mdot, I probably had one of the worst days I have had all summer.  Just double triple double double.  2 pars the entire round.  0 birdies.  On one par 5 I smoked my 6 iron to 6 feet to set up an eagle putt.  Of course I 3 putted.  He was doing the same thing, but he's not emotionally invested like I am.  While I was throwing tantrums and coming close to wrapping my gap wedge around the trunk of the tree, he was happy that he had a 4 foot birdie putt.  When he missed it, it didnt matter.  He had a birdie putt and that was good.  God I miss the good ol days.

The moral of my story is this.  If you have not yet decided to care about your golf game, do anything and everything in your power to keep it that way.  If you do, trust me, you are taking a journey and giving into the dark side.  No amount of athleticism is going to help you.  No amount of concentration.  The game will break you in half as it has broken me.

One of the worst parts is, the better you get..the smaller your margin of error is.  So as my score grows smaller the probability of massive frusteration grows larger.  Right?  Yesterday I self destructed emotionally because I wouldn't have been able to hit a fairway if I had a loaded .45 to my head and my life depended on it.  But is it really going to be all that different when I'm going for greens instead of fairways?  Now I chase pars, but down the road I will chase birdies...and miss them.  No matter how good I get, I will still miss greens.  Or putts.  Where is the reward in this sport?  What seemed like a 2 or 3 month venture....now seems like it will take me 5 years.  I can't quit.  I am a full blown addict and every day I have to get my fix.

Who am I kidding?  I love this game.  I'm going to the range at Blackheath right now.

Bollyhood- The Epic Voyage of An International Man of Mystery: Volume 1

I know absolutely zero things about the United Arab Emirates. As I look to diversify my understanding of different cultures(mainly to choose the ones I hate and want nothing to do with. I assure you it's not an effort to make me a better person, believe that), I strive to seek as much information as possible. What better way to do that than my very own, personal, brown Austin Powers?

A close friend and honorary member of the BroCo, Adi, was sent to work in Dubai. I'm fairly certain he is a spy. I don't think anyone is clear on exactly why he's over there; all we know is he makes sick loot and has something to do with the military. It's kind of like when you ask an extremely rich, well connected Italian man what he does for a living, and he says he works construction as a "Union delegate". Hey, whatever helps you sleep at night.

Back to the task at hand: From what I gather so far, there is no porn allowed there, but there's an intricate way to snake around it, just so you can stay connected to your daily smut fix. I also learned that making 9 drunken phone calls at 12:30am Dubai time(3:30pm EST) will cost you $27. So far, I am severely unimpressed, as you kinda lost me at no porn. I don't know if I can have any involvement in somewhere that I can't access porn at the drop of a hat. You are a stronger man than I, sir. I will not, however, let this minor detail deter my investigation of the Middle Eastern way of life.

A few positive notes from the U.A.E. is the fact that the aforementioned gentleman is having a fantastic time in a very exciting experience in his life, not to mention the breath-taking cityscape, and the fact that Walmart Wolverines exist there, and are consistently as shitty.

Adi has the swag and skin color of Wilt Chamberlain. Being a brown person, he blends in well with the locals, but his lack of a uni-brow lets the ladies know he's something out of the ordinary. Once that certain sense of intrigue from the ladies kicks in, my man will clean up.

I nearly vomited Google searching images of uni-brows. It's terrible

The Dubai cityscape speaks for itself.

Now the Taliban (Walmart) Wolverine is where this all gets really rewarding for me. 

"Proof that most Michigan fans didn't go to Michigan - this picture was taken in Afghanistan. Forget Walmart Wolverines, they have Taliban Wolverines there." - Adi

I love how non-student Michigan fans hide behind the facade that they are a part of something better than anything they are actually involved in. My hatred for UofM aside, they do have traditionally elite athletics, top 20 academics in the country, etc. but this proves that 95% of their fans are bandwagon posers. Find me one Afghani that can point out Ann Arbor on a map and I'll post a "Prove It!" blog within seconds, and FedEx overnight out a blank map so said stranger can put their money where their mouth is . These "fans" never cease to amaze me. At least in the Midwest you probably have a relative along the way that went to UofM or that's just the team you grew up with. Quite understandable. But the audacity of these fucking people. I would not want to be associated with terrorists as a part of my fan base. I guess you gotta hand it to them for their douchebag-esque pride and perseverance.    

Adi is going to keep me updated on his shenanigans and the crazy goings on in the land of the sand. He is also going to guest blog every once in a while when he finds the time, so check back periodically to live vicariously through him.

Good luck, bud! Stay safe. 

I Want a Ron Paul Real Doll

I will be so pist if Ron Paul doesn’t win GQ’s Sexist Man Alive promotion this year.

I use to be impressed by Obama’s ability to give me a chubby after every one of his speeches but the fact that Ron Paul can make me prematurely ejaculate just blows my mind.

When Ron Paul points out that Obama isn’t a socialist but more of what Dr. Paul calls a corporatist in the video above, I feel the same emotions I had the 1st time watching “Harry Twatter.”

Corporatism is defined by Princeton as:

Control of a state or organization by large interest groups

Here it is used in a sentence for all you Akshay Buddiga fans: “individualism is in danger of being swamped by a kind of corporatism”

Whereas Socialism is defined:

A political theory advocating state ownership of industry.

I guess if we exclude the auto industry, the latter definition doesn’t completely define our country’s political system.


Corporatism does a much better job explaining why Walmart reported a 27% increase in net sales at the end of last years fourth quarter.

Now granted the optimistic voice in my head is saying that the government is doing all that they can to better our country as I can only imagine how difficult it must be helping the “People of Walmart.” There is some possibility that the unrest in American could be because some Americans are a little unsettling (see unsettling image below).

But when Ron Paul, a man who’s voting habits haven’t changed since the start his political career over 35 years ago, tells me that our country’s problems are due to straying away from the constitution I believe him.

If he does decide to run, which he most likely will, I sincerely hope people check out his political beliefs before deciding to vote for the person who just gives them a chubby.