If there's a Lockout, the Coalition's Gotchu

The deadline has been extended 24 hours, but I'm still not all that convinced. In fact, I'm still gonna stockpile on backup plans for Sunday afternoons like canned goods prior to Y2K. For 17 straight Sundays every year my movement is limited to the recliner the kitchen and the couch. Whip up some corn bread and some kool-aid; we got ourselves a Lions party. It's a damn shame that after one of the best seasons the Lions have had, there might not be a "next year" to look forward to as we usually do. I, for one, am not prepared to turn these ever so precious Football Sundays into days of "productivity," "activity," or any other noun that has an -ivity suffix.

So, sports fans, I've gone so far as to compile a list of things you may want to get used to when looking for alternatives to Football this fall...


1. Australian Rules Football



This is by far the best alternative to American football out there. Given, they don't play during the same season, but you have to imagine some TV network will attempt to pick up a few broadcasts to fill the void. These guys are the real deal. Its like a giant game of Smear the Queer (no offense to the homosexual followers(actually who am I kidding. Too bad, faggots)). I remember the first time I ever saw this, a dude got his head busted wide open, got wiped off and jumped right back into the game like nothing happened. It's like if you don't play, you don't get paid. So man the fuck up.

2. Vince McMahon could bring the XFL back



Let's be honest, this is what we all really want to see replace the NFL right? There was some legitimate talent on some of these squads. Remember Rod Smart AKA "He Hate Me?!" Brilliant! I could watch that dude all day. Oh, and F a coin flip, you gotta sprint from the endzone to the ball on the 50 yard line if you want possession first.


3. Joust do it!



I'm sure you've seen it on ESPN by now; Jousting is apparently a real thing outside of movies starring the late Heath Ledger. There's nothing like watching two grown ass men in armor pass each other on horses 3 or 4 times with giant wooden swords until one knocks the other off. Pass the popcorn!


4. Noodling



Catching catfish with your bare hands is pretty intense. If I had to, I could watch it for an extended period of time. Nothing like watching rednecks wade through swamps and catch animals. It's like second nature to them. And, if you're really ballsy, you could go after snapping turtles like this guy.




Shit who am I kidding, I'm going to be miserable if there's no NFL this year. Nothing short of airing the actual Kumite tournament will suffice. If you NFL owners and players can somehow, someway, against all natural instinct and logical thought; find a way to split up the $9 billion to make everybody happy, we as fans of the game would greatly appreciate it.